Sunday, 28 January 2018

Spending your teenage years depressed - A raw post

I’m lying in bed writing this wanting to ball my eyes out but feeling too empty and tired to do that. For the past 8 years of my life I have felt different to others, I have regular panic attacks, I feel nothing a lot, and I’m incredible emotionally sensitive. People say that your teen years are the best years of your life, but for me? Not really. I still don’t quite get why I’m like this, I grew up as an only child and my parents are the best ever and I could not wish for anything but pure happiness for them. I had, and I have, everything. But through it all, I’m still lying here at 1am with tears down my face.

Spending your teen years depressed could be seen as ‘romantic’ by an obnoxious tumblr poet. It is the complete opposite, it’s freaking out over the smallest thing, clawing at your body to feel something as you can’t feel the right emotions. It's literally having such a bad episode that you think you're body is going to go into overdrive and kill you off because someone made a shitty comment towards you. I never used to be like this, I could handle confrontation and be a little extroverted prick but now I will avoid it at all costs because it'll just reiterate what I think about myself anyway. 

That section of post was written at 1am the other night after a solid few days of rejections and shit news. Am I a weirdo for writing a blog post when I'm in that mood? Probably, yeah. But it helped. Venting my feelings helped a lot. I used to keep it all inside when I was younger, but now I just kind of cry to everyone. I have been reflecting more-so on my teen years (albeit I've only just entered my twenties) and how shitty they were. Can you imagine spending your grumpy teen years depressed and moping in your bedroom whilst everyone else was out in fields drinking Frosty Jacks and at house parties vomiting up their insides? Spoiler alert: It's shit. I wish I had taken action sooner because now I feel like I'm in a big circlejerk of the same story. I talk about feeling better, I then get worse, I then get better and get all motivational, then I get worse, repeat for 8 years etc etc. Please please PLEASE if you are feeling down or lost, find someone to talk to. Don't bottle up your feelings because it'll make you explode like a bottle of pepsi that's been kicked on the ground several times. If the doctor blames your emotions on puberty then don't just give up. Take their advice, work on it, and if you're still feeling awful, go back. Push them. Do not be afraid and do not agree to things you aren't comfortable with. Your health is the most precious thing in the world, don't let people knock you down and ruin it. 

I'm not really too sure what to do or make of this post, but if I can help someone out there push themselves to get help then that's all I want. Every person is different, but you're not alone. Don't push yourself into the darkness, fight it.


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